If it’s not a Hell Yes!, it’s a No.

Have you ever heard this expression before? If it’s not a Hell Yes!, it’s a no. I’m not even sure who to credit it to, because I have heard it from various thought leaders and even Google doesn’t seem to know for certain. That’s not important. What is important is the lesson behind this expression. Often, we take on so many things that we get to a point of overwhelm or burnout. And we find that it becomes difficult to say no because we have positioned ourselves to be the reliable, go-to person. Sometimes, though, it’s healthier for ourselves and our loved ones if we are more strategic with when we say yes.

“Can you plan the class holiday party? Can you help me move? Can you be the troop leader? Can you come fix my sink? Can you pick up my kid from practice? Can you edit my resume? Can you host the next potluck? Can you join this board? Can you volunteer this Saturday? Can you bake cookies tomorrow? Can you go camping this weekend? Can you come to happy hour tonight? Can you, can you, can you…”

The expression tells us to reflect before we quickly say yes, and if we don’t feel the excitement of “HELL YES!,” then to consider saying no instead. Obviously, this is outside the realm of our obligations. (I’m sure many of us would love to say “no thanks” to our mortgage lender everyone once in a while.) 

For example, I had a client once who came to me and said “Beth, I’m exhausted. I’m so over-extended, pulled in a million directions, and I can’t drop anything.” The more we dug into the reality of the situation, the more it became clear that there were, in fact, many things he could say no to if he chose. 

First, we separated the obligations from the rest of it: 
– work travel: obligation; required for his role.
– pub trivia with friends: optional; can choose to attend or kindly decline the invite.

Then we got clear on his core values (what is it that matters most to him in his life – at the foundation of who he is and how he wants to show up in this world). This uncovered his biggest challenge: his core values included fun and relationships. We did some coaching around the concept of fun and whether he really was aligned with his core value if he is dreading attending a social event that he’d said yes to, even though it didn’t feel like a “hell yes!” He agreed that it didn’t feel like a lot of fun in those situations.

What was prompting him to say yes when he didn’t want to? His core value of relationships. He didn’t want to let his friends or family down. When we say yes out of a sense of obligation or guilt, that typically doesn’t serve us well.

What was the result for my client? For one month, we agreed that he would practice saying no when his gut reaction didn’t feel like a “hell yes!” After a month had passed, we had another session. He appeared revitalized, refreshed and relaxed. He was so excited to share with me all the things he had said no to that month and how good it felt to remember that he had that power. Also, his fear that had kept him saying yes before was that his friends or family would be upset with him if he declined all, or most, of the invites. What really happened was that everyone who loved him understood. He had been stretching himself too thin and not showing up for anyone the way he wanted to. 

We called this experiment our month of “no thanks.”

If you are the enthusiastic “yes person” who feels burned out, let this be a challenge to you this month. Perhaps, before you jump to a yes, ask yourself, does it feel like a genuine, passionate, hell yes? How will taking this on serve me? Or, maybe you can practice by asking for help. Maybe you’re on too many committees for your kids’ school and you could ask another parent to replace you on a few of those. The key is to go through this exercise guilt-free and that can be difficult. Reach out to me if you want some guidance in this area. As always, I would be delighted to guide you on this journey – that’s a BIG “hell yes!” from me!